sign of the times 🖊
You Might Also Like
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Has science gone too far?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Limited budget
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting