sign of the times 🖊
You Might Also Like
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
it must be school picture day
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
🧠
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
the composer
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!