sign of the times 🖊
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.