sign of the times 🖊
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.