Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

I’m sure it’s fine.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Happy Taco Tuesday

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do