Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I need to update my racial profile.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”