Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

I will never stop laughing at this

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…