sign of the times đź–Š
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les MisĂ©rables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.