sign of the times 🖊
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
no exceptions
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this