sign of the times 🖊
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No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.