[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
