[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that