Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.