Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?