Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
barbara was highly relatable
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I think this cat is broken
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.