Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

no exceptions

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?