Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
This came to me in a dream.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?