Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
what
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
time for some seasonal decor
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
is it too early for christmas memes
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Love it! 👍😂
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?