Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
A new level of troll.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day