Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.