Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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Don’t tell me what to do
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?