Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.