Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Going to church you guys need anything
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.