Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
when there are deer in the woods
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.