Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Jus’ sayin. 😐
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I don’t think my car can fly
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?