Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Does beer think about me too?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much