Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Facebook memories be like

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.