Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

mom gave me mine for free

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater