Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
dude it’s called proctologist
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.