Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend