Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
You Might Also Like
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Eat…
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.