Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I think my mom just blocked me

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.