Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.