*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This could be us… but you playing
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
