*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.