*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
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Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
waiting for halloween be like:
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.