Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

(more comics:

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

Lmao

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

#inspiration #foodforthought