*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
That’s it.I’m out.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.