*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving