Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.