Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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yeah nice try. not falling for that again
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
BRO LMFAO
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
12. I think about this all the damn time
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”