Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

this… may be the greatest story ever told

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.