Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?