Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”