Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

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[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?


Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.


April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox


Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.


Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.


friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?


ME: *takes a long drag of a cigarette* my theory is that sometimes you just have to throw it out there and see what sticks

SPERM BANK NURSE: omg we gave you a cup