HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Omg I have a cat?”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
ME: *takes a long drag of a cigarette* my theory is that sometimes you just have to throw it out there and see what sticks
SPERM BANK NURSE: omg we gave you a cup