Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…