Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

how to have an accident 101

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial