I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Things will get butter, keep churning
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
yes, those are my real potatoes.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Life with a cat in one tweet
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Said the murderer.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
my dog when i have a friend over
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ