Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never forget.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)