Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.