Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

I have no passwords left in me

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

the last thing a carrot sees

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?