Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Aaaa…CHOO!

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien