Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.