*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
The median voter
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk