If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”