Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
