signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
