Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

This hospital has everything

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.