#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
You Might Also Like
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.