As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
dads on road-trips be like
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Thursday
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”