Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

I know this now 😂

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

i want it utterly assaulted.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.