Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.