Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.