Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit