Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.