Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.