Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Fun Things