Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
You Might Also Like
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Short story
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me trying to reach for my goals
never ask a starfish for directions
🔥🔥
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho