Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
You Might Also Like
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I unironically love this joke.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
he was correct
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”