Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Livid.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.