Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack